


John Winchester

by Rivermoon1970



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, Family Drama, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 03:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2094864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night John throws Sam out, he has memory flashes.  He realizes that the moment he put Sam in Dean's arms, Sam was lost to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a one shot. I wanted to play with memories and how the brothers were so very inseparable.
> 
> UPDATE 6/18/17: Story has bee edited and beta'd.

John slammed the door of the house that he and his boys were staying int.  He was still furious that Sam would leave them like that. Stanford? And, a full ride four-year scholarship? He knew he should be proud of the kid, and he was. He really, really was, but he was also afraid. The kid didn’t know how dangerous this course of action was, and John couldn’t bring himself to tell him, not yet at least. He needed to keep Sam safe, and he couldn’t do that if he was in California. His mind was racing. Fear and fury were mixing together when he felt Dean shove him against the wall.

 “Dad, what the hell was that?” His son yelled at him.

 “Dean, I...” He started then drifted off because he really didn’t know what to say.

 He couldn’t tell Dean about the danger Sam could be in either because he himself still didn’t know the whole truth. Looking at the hurt in Dean’s eyes, John knew that he’d broken more than Sam’s heart. He’d also crushed Dean’s.

 He knew that Dean would go to his brother to try to stay near, but John needed to keep Dean with him. Sam would just have to navigate on his own, and it was killing him. He needed at least one of his boys with him, and he felt horrible for thinking that it should be Sam. He knew Dean would be able to take care of himself, even look out for Sammy, but John just didn’t want to give either of them up. He knew it was selfish of him. He knew, deep down, that he had become a terrible father, but the Yellow-eyed demon was more important than any of them.

 He reflected back to the one time the boys had been separated. It had made Dean crazy then, but he didn’t know what it was doing to him now. Ever since the day he put a 6-month-old Sam in Dean’s arms and told him to run, Sam was Dean’s, period.

* * *

 

“Daddy, daddy…” 5-year-old Dean was patting his father’s arm trying to get his attention.

“Hey kiddo, what is it?”

“Daddy, Sammy needs a diaper.” _Oh God_ thought John. His 5-year-old was telling him when his brother needed changing. He knew there was a lot wrong with this, but he didn’t know how to go back to their old life. He didn’t know if he ever could. Not with knowing what was out there. He was trying the best he could, and he knew he was failing.

“Okay buddy, let’s go change him.” He handed Dean a fresh diaper and got up to go help.

 “S’okay, Daddy, I can do it.” This was how it had been for the last few months. Dean wanted to do everything for his brother. Change him, feed him, and even pick out the clothes he would wear. Many of their babysitters thought it was adorable, but some had made their concerns very clear to John.

 Some thought that maybe Dean was a little too protective, and too close to his brother. John just told them it was because he lost their mother recently, and that, thankfully, would keep them from saying anything else. Social services had been called on him once. He was able to get his boys packed up, and he was in the wind before they could get there. Shaking his head, he cleared his mind of those memories and sighed. He knew he should give them a proper home, but he just couldn’t let it go.

 John stood, and went out to the Impala to get the portable crib out of the trunk. When he returned he set it up between the two beds. Thankfully, Dean had been sleeping in his own bed for a while now. So, he only needed to worry about Sam. Of course, more often than not, when he woke up in the morning he would find Dean curled up around Sam with one of his little hands holding onto his brother’s. It broke John’s, heart. He knew it was foolish to drag two little boys along on his obsession, but he couldn’t live without them. They were all he had of Mary. They hadn’t had a perfect marriage, and God knew he made mistakes. However, Mary was his soul mate, and thinking about her brought a fresh wave of pain.

* * *

 

“Look, you two, this prank war stops right now. You hear me?”

Dean was 10 and Sam was 6 the first time they started pulling pranks on each other. Two very bored little Winchester boys were sometimes more than John could handle. He didn’t even want to think what they put the babysitters through.

“But, Dad, he started it,” Sam said looking at his brother with a little glint of humor in his eye.

“Bitch.” Dean looked at Sam with that same humor.

 “Jerk.” Sam fired back

 “Boys, I will not have you talking to each other like that. Now apologize to your brother, Dean.” Dean hesitated for a moment, “Now,” John roared.

 “Yessir.” Dean couldn’t quite keep the sarcasm out of his voice but turned to his brother with a little smirk on his face. “Sorry, Sammy.” He said with feigned defeat in his voice.   

“Yeah, I’m sorry too, Dean.” He looked back with a tiny smile on his face.

 John wasn’t fooled, but he knew the prank war was at an end for now. God, these two were exhausting. Even gun and hand-to-hand training were sometimes exhausting, but he had to get his boys ready. He had to prepare them for what was out there, especially Sam. He didn’t know, yet, what that Demon had done to his boy, but he wanted to make sure the little guy could take care of himself.

 “Now, I have a job lined up, and I’ll be gone for a few days. You two be good. Dean here is some money. That should get you through till I get back.” Dean had been responsible for the finances for him and Sammy for about a year now. Even though John hired babysitters, they still needed money for food and everyday necessities.

 “How long this time, Dad?” Dean asked with worry and sadness in his voice.

 “Shouldn’t be more than four days, Son, and when I get back, I’ll take you to that amusement park you’ve wanted to go to, okay?”

 “Sure Dad, sounds like fun,” Dean smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes because he expected to be disappointed. Either they wouldn’t have the money, or John would pick them up and leave the town in a hurry, like always. 

John sighed. He hated seeing the wariness in Dean’s eyes. Hated seeing the pain he caused his boys, and he really did try to keep his promises. When you waded in blood and guts, sometimes keeping promises was difficult.

* * *

“Dad, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” Dean was on the verge of tears. He didn’t mean to leave. He was bored, and he didn’t think. He just wanted to play video games for a little bit. Sammy was asleep anyway, and he thought ‘ _what could go wrong_ ’.

“That’s not good enough, Dean. You almost got your brother killed. You need to protect him, and I need to trust you, again.”

Dean knew he shouldn’t have left, but he was bored and Sam was asleep. He knew now that if anything had happened to Sammy it would have torn him apart. Sammy was his, and as the big brother, he needed to protect him. He had known that from that day on he would protect Sam, no matter what.

“Alright Dad, I promise. I will always look after him. I promise.” Dean looked at his father hoping to make him understand just how much he was hurting over this.

“I will hold you to that promise.” John looked hard at his oldest, angry that the boy didn’t follow instructions. Inside though he was hurting for his son. He wanted to grab him in a hug and tell him it would be okay. He knew though, that wasn’t the truth. If they were going to survive, Dean needed to understand just what they were up against. John was also beginning to figure out what Yellow-eyes did to his son, and it wasn’t anything good. He just didn’t know what the bigger picture was.

John gentled his voice just a little, “Dean, look, there are going to be things coming after Sam. I can’t explain everything to you right now because I don’t know it myself. You have to be strong, and you have to watch out for your little brother, Okay?”

“Yeah, sure, Dad, watch out for Sam.” Dean walked away head bowed, and a little defeated. He loved Sam, and would always take care of him. Sammy was his, ‘ _but who is going to take care of me_?’ Dean thought as he lay down on the bed. He held the back of his brother’s hand and tried not to be angry at his father. It took a while for him to get to sleep. He was only able to after he curled up around Sam, holding him, protecting him like he should have.

John looked at his two sleeping sons, and thought not for the first time, “Mary, what have I done?”

* * *

It was Sam’s fifteenth birthday. John had something special planned for him. He had saved up here and there for quite some time now and was able to buy something for his son other than a knife or a gun. Sam was smart, and despite the fact that he dragged the boys all over the country, Sam still did well in school. John made them use their real names in school because he wanted them to get an education. He wanted to try to give them something that resembled normal. Even if it really didn’t.

 John had everything ready for when Sam got home. He was excited to give his youngest the present. He really hoped Sam liked it.

 Sam walked in the door not expecting his Dad to be back from his latest hunt. So, he was very surprised. He was also surprised by the Happy Birthday sign on the table. “Dad, you’re back,” Sam said as he launched himself in his Dad’s arms. John was happy that Sam didn’t immediately pick a fight with him. Sam’s teenage years so far had not been a laugh-a-minute funfest to deal with. The boy was constantly questioning him, demanding answers, or begging for some normalcy. Sometimes becoming defiant when they needed research done. Even though Sam liked spending time in a library, he still wanted time to do his own thing. John sometimes hated himself for not letting Sam be just a kid, but there were more important things happening around them, and he needed his son to grow up faster than he should have.

 “Sam, Happy Birthday son.” To John, the mile-wide grin on his son’s face was the best thing he had seen in a long time.

 “Hey, I got you something. I hope you like it.” Sam took the slightly heavy box, but he didn’t open it yet.

 “Let’s wait for Dean, Okay?” John tried to keep a smile plastered on his face, but his heart fell just a little. He had wanted this to be just for him and Sam. He should have known that Sam wanted Dean there, but it still stung a little.

 “Okay son, okay.” That precise moment Dean walked in the door and had a self-satisfied grin on his face. John thought he knew what Dean had been up to, but he didn’t want to ask. He figured his oldest had started having sex, but John just didn’t want to think, or even know about it.

 “Hey, bitch, I see it’s your birthday,” Dean teased looking at his little brother with a twinkle and a smile.

 “Yeah ya, Jerk. And, Dad made it too. He got me something, but I wanted to wait till you got here.” Hearing it again John flinched slightly, and the gesture didn’t get past Dean.

 “Well, open it already! Don’t keep us waiting.”

 Sam tore into the package and pulled out a laptop. It wasn’t top of the line, and he knew it wasn’t new. It was a computer though, and he couldn’t have been any happier. “Dad, wow thank you. Thank you,” he exclaimed. His excitement written all over his face as he hugged his father close. John closed his eyes and welcomed the rare warmth. His heart hitched just a little, but he kept his expression calm.

 “It’s used, but the guy assured me it was in good working condition. You deserve it, kiddo. You’ve done well in school, and your hand-to-hand has much improved. So, there you go.” John was grinning from ear to ear at how happy this made Sam.

 “Hey, Sammy, I got you something, too,” Dean said with a hint of jealousy in his voice. For some reason, he and his Dad had been in a weird competition for quite a while for Sam’s affection. Not realizing that Sam loved them both.

 Sam took the present and opened it. It was actually several small things all wrapped together. One was a journal, almost like their Dad’s. The second was a better pocket knife than what he currently had, and the third was a book on Hindu mythology. It looked old, and Sam loved it immediately.

 “Dean, this is awesome, thank you,” He held the book close, exchanged the pocket knife, and put the journal in his backpack. He then gave Dean a manly one-armed type hug knowing his brother was not the hugging type.

 “I know you like that nerdy stuff. So, you know...” John looked at the boys and saw them having one of those closed off conversations they could have with just a look. It did nothing to quell John’s own jealousy over the boy’s relationship.

 “Well, get your jackets, boys. I’m taking you out for dinner.” After the boys got their stuff, John took them not only to dinner but also the rare treat of a movie. It was a stupid action flick, but they all loved it. When they got back, the boys were tired and they flopped on the bed more than ready for sleep. Sam had the Hindu mythology book in his arm and smiled as he closed his eyes and fell asleep. Dean was sitting up next to him looking at a magazine with one hand, and the other he was caressing the back of Sam’s hand.

 John watched his sons with a bit of a broken heart wondering how it came down to this. He shouldn’t have had to compete with Dean for Sam’s affection, but the tighter the boys got, the more they pushed him out. Silent tears fell down as he asked for the thousandth time ‘ _Mary, what have I done_?”

* * *

John and Dean burst into the hotel room with an unconscious Sam between them. They laid Sam down on the bed, and before John could say anything, Dean started to bark orders at him. “Dad, grab me the first aid kit.” Dean had pulled out his pocketknife and was cutting away Sam’s jeans to get to the gashes on his brother’s leg.

 John was about to say something to Dean when Dean shot him a murderous look. Hurrying to the Impala, he grabbed the kit and brought it to Dean.

 “Son, let me do that.”

 “Back off,” Dean growled. He had a dangerous tone to his voice which shocked John. “Get me some warm water and a couple of washcloths. I’ve got to clean this wound.” Dean said. He looked back at his Dad who hadn’t moved, “ _Now Dad_ ,” he shouted.

 John moved quickly getting the items from the bathroom and handed them to Dean. He watched as his eldest cleaned Sam’s leg thoroughly, Then he took the large antiseptic wipes and further cleaned the wounds. After that, he got the tweezers out of the kit, and carefully picked out the small rocks that were embedded in the wound. Dean continued to bark out orders at his Dad, needing fresh water, and for him to rinse the washcloths. The next step was to carefully use the antiseptic soap that was in their first aid kit to make sure he got everything out of the wounds. John watched as Dean got the suture needle and thread out.

 “Son, let me do that.”

 “No,”  Dean said through gritted teeth. John knew at that point, he wouldn’t be able to get near Sam. It was all in Dean’s court,  and John’s heart sank just a little. John watched as Dean made careful neat stitches, cleaning the wound as he went, and putting pressure when it bled a little. When Dean was done he applied gauze and surgical tape, but not before giving the wound a good spray with some more antiseptic. John was impressed by the calmness and care Dean took with his little brother. Well, not so little anymore, at 20 and 16 his boys were no longer little kids.

 Dean went to go wash up, and that meant that John could finally get over to Sam. He grabbed a bottle of water and crushed some painkillers in it. He somehow got Sam to sit up a little and got some of the drugged water into him. When Dean came out, John told him that Sam took some of the medicated water, and hopefully, he would sleep for a while.

 “What the hell were you thinkin’, Dad? Sam wasn’t ready for a freakin’ werewolf.”

 “Dean, I didn’t know it was a werewolf. I thought we were dealing with a Kitsune. The kid handled himself well out there.” He didn’t know why he was standing there trying to defend himself to his son, but he was and it just made him tired. “Look, I made a judgment call and told Sam he could come along. The kid is a good fighter, and if the creature hadn’t gotten the drop on us, I would have killed it sooner.” The guilt for getting his youngest hurt was weighing on very heavy on him. The way Dean was hovering over Sam, which was supposed to be John’s job, hurt even more.

 “He’s only sixteen, Dad. He should be worried about tests, girls and getting caught drinking. Not going after a werewolf on the third moon of the goddamned lunar cycle,” Dean yelled, still angry at the recklessness his father showed.

 “Sam’s been hunting since he was fourteen Dean. He knows what he’s doing.”

 “Ghosts, Dad. And, exorcising trapped Demons, not this.”

 “Would you two shut the hell up? I’m trying to sleep,” Sam slurred, trying to yell at his Dad and Brother.

 “Sammy, Sammy, you okay?”

 “Don’t call me Sammy. Don’t worry, didn’t get bit,” Sam fell back on the bed, and this time it was to sleep. How Sam knew that was what Dean was thinking, John, would never know. Sometimes his boys would hold full conversations with just a look. It was one more thing that put a hole through his heart.

 “Dean, look we are not arguing about this anymore. I am your father, and I made the call. If YOU had been here, you could have come along.” John glared at Dean telling him this fight was over, and there would be no more discussion till Sam was okay.

 Dean pulled a chair closer to the bed Sam was sleeping on, made sure the kid was deeply asleep, grabbed his hand and held it. John watched as Dean fell asleep in the chair holding his brother’s hand. It was cemented a long time ago that Sam was no longer John’s. He was Dean’s in every way. That knowledge was sometimes a crushing weight on his heart, but he knew they both loved him. They were just not as close to him as they were to each other.

 John knew this wasn’t the life he should have given his boys. He knew he disappointed them with his drinking and illegal activities, but nothing was more important than finding out what that damned Yellow-eyed Demon did to his Sam. He was a little closer to the truth, and the things he found out scared him to his very core.

* * *

“Dad, What the hell?” John came back to himself and shoved Dean off of him.

 “That boy is going to get himself killed. He shouldn’t be away from us, Dean. He needs to be here.”

 “Oh, really? And, telling him ‘Don’t you ever come back’ was the wisest thing to say to try to get him to stay? I don’t think so.”

 “I’m pissed off. Why didn’t tell us about Stanford?”

 Dean looked at his Dad, bowed his head and said in a low voice, “I knew.”

 “What? What are you talking about?”

 “I knew, okay? I knew. I found the acceptance letter, but didn’t say anything.”

 “Dean, why didn’t you tell me?”

 “Because I knew this was how you were going to react. I don’t want him to go either. Out there, I can’t pro…” Dean choked on the emotion that welled up inside him. “I can’t protect him when he’s there.”

 John moved in to take his son into a hug, but Dean ducked to the side.  John stared at him with a frown on his face. They stood there looking at each other angrily until Dean turned away, and grabbed his jacket storming out the door. “I’ll be back late. Don’t wait up for me.”

 John watched as another son walked out the door that night. He knew, though, Dean would be back, but Sam, oh god Sam, The kid was lost to him the night he put him in Dean’s arms.


End file.
